| The wild polar bear | ||||
| 01:17am 15/09/2009 | ||||
|
||||
| Post | ||||
nostalgic| It's been awhile again.. | ||||
| 01:51am 19/02/2009 | ||||
I talked to Asian today. I miss her so much. Hopefully one day we can live next door or together in a big city. As much as I like the small towns...my heart is in the city. I was talking with a co-worker today about how I wanted to be a farmer when I was younger. Mostly because I could grow everything myself and not have to buy the stuff that I do eat now. I must have foreseen my weight problems when I was younger. I would still love to grow my own veggies and fruits, though. Kind of hard in a city, but I could figure out something. It's just annoying now because there are so many chemicals in food that we eat. I hate reading about the chemicals that are in my food! It makes me a little sick. What makes me more sick is that I'm practically addicted to the food so it's like I'm addicted to the chemicals and trust me, they are not making me healthy at all. I spent all day at work. So now I am wide awake. I know when I lay down I will just pass out. I think I'm getting a cold but I can't take NyQuil now, it's too late. I'm gonna have one of those vitamin C things and hope for the best. I should have known better. A friend was over earlier this week and I think he got me sick just being around him! I hate that. Especially in the stuffy insides of the apartment. Too cold to open those windows. I'm really looking forward to this spring. Been a really cold winter... I broke up with Adam. I love looking at my previous posts that were more like notes to myself. They lined up the pros and cons. Well, I used them to mostly list my cons. That's when I was angry or upset. Writing is a good outlet for me to really think and convey my emotions. Too bad he will never read any of them. He might have had a laugh, or a cry. I just can't believe I dragged it out as long as I did. Ya, sure, it was a bitch move to dump him days before Christmas, but what am I supposed to do? I couldn't do it anymore. The moment I did it, I was like, "Wow, I did it. Why did it take me this long?" I know why it did now and I've come to terms with it. I tried to make it something that it wasn't. We are way better off as friends (if that is even a possibility at this point..) than lovers. I never meant to force my ideals onto him but when I see him in the states that he was, I tried to help. I look at him and say, I feel like maybe I've been where he is, let me see if I can help. I wanted to be his angel in disguise and help him with everything in his life. I wanted him to be happy but he was never happy with himself it seemed. I tried to put a lot of his needs before my own. After awhile though, it just wasn't working. I wasn't satisfied with myself or the relationship. It was in a standstill. We no longer had meaningful conversations like we used to. We just pissed eachother off. A lot. But it's over and maybe one day we can be friends again. Maybe. The days of me being a hopeless romantic are over. I can't do it anymore. I have to be more realistic with the people I date. Marriage? Whoa, nelly! Don't even talk about it unless we've been dating for over 2 years. I think I'm just gonna pull a Dennis Rodman and marry myself. I've been dating myself for over 23 years! I get along pretty well with myself, too. I'm homesick. I'm so homesick that I was on Blogger looking at blogs from my hometown. I miss home. A lot. I miss my friends and family, the people of Illinois in general, the variety of things, the fast-paced life there, everything. Even the lame scenery of corn fields to the west. I miss the sounds of airplanes constantly flying over me. I miss the food and the crazy amounts of restaurants there. The malls..I even miss those! Of course I miss being far from the city. It's like an escape there. An escape of the mundane. There's always things there that just amaze me. Whether it be the people or the cost of gas. Don't get me wrong, I love La Crosse, but it's not fulfilling all my needs. I need the constant change, the constant time change. Time moves slow in Wisconsin and I'm not the only one who thinks this! It's like a time warp but I'm 23 and wow, I feel so..unaccomplished at this point of my life. I know that once I figure out what I'm going to do with school, it will be easier. But I feel like the world is passing me by and I can't stop it. Could I really leave now? I've been pondering it for awhile now. I could find a sub-leaser and quit my job. Move in with my parents, find a job, move out. Or follow them to the west. See what adventure that leads to. I don't know what to do. I don't want to leave here because I feel like I've established a home, a friend circle, work, and finishing school here. But am I trying to complete something that I can't while I'm here? I can't be here another 2 years unless I'm in school. That I know for sure. But the thought of leaving here is almost overwhelming. I think I've just accumulated too much stuff. I need to start thinking about what I need and what I don't. Once I get organized, this will be so much easier. I just can't fathom the idea. But what's going to happen? I live here til I am 30? I can't. I love my friends so much and when I do leave, it will be one of the toughest rivers in my life to cross. Unless we all move to Madison or Milwaukee or Chicago. I'd be content with that. I just don't know what to do. Time will tell... I must have faith that I will find my way and make my path into the world. Where will I go? That's part of the journey. I can't feel stuck or else I am stuck. I could leave right now if I really wanted to. But I need more time to figure out what I want. In the meantime, I'm thinking about planning a trip home soon. Maybe even a 5 day event with the vacation time that I've built up. I need to catch up with my friends and take a trip to the city. It's 3..and I just thought that I was feeling sick earlier and I'm still up? I am nuts. But I feel a lot better after writing this. Goodnight. |
||||
| Post | ||||
excited| 12:51am 11/01/2009 | ||||
|
||||
| Post | ||||
hopeful| If I can write in this.. | ||||
| 01:15pm 21/09/2008 | ||||
|
||||
| Post | ||||
chipper| Marriage | ||||
| 11:00am 10/06/2008 | ||||
When I was younger, I guess I always thought I'd be married around this time, too. Maybe it was because in high school, I really didn't date. I had one relationship in my three years there. So maybe I am just a newbie when it comes to dating now. Sure, I've thought about marriage and I guess I can see it in the future, but I'm not ready for the paperwork and the complications of it. And I vowed to myself that I would wait until I was done with school and knew what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. But sometimes I worry that I won't know for a long time. Perhaps it's just that I may have lost faith in my generation awhile ago. Maybe I just don't think they can get married and deal with the problems that can come with it because I see so many idiots in my generation. I know that sounds really bad. I know that many people from my generation are capable adults and have a great life. I know some of them can be great parents and great spouses. I really admire young couples that take the path to marriage. But I want them to do it for the right reasons. I think my feelings also come from me wanting everyone to be happy. I am proud of my friends and family members that want to get married. But I just want them all to know that it can be hard and I want them to stay committed and have happy lives. Some of my old classmates that are married now, I remember how they were in high school and I didn't see them grow to who they are now. I might just be thinking too much of the past and I'm pretty sure that's where my surprised feelings come from. All in all, writing in this journal really helps me realize my feelings and thoughts and I suppose I should write more often! |
||||
| Read 1 - Post | ||||
peaceful| The daily crap of the life of Me | ||||
| 01:48pm 03/10/2007 | ||||
My current roommate still doesn't like him living here. Which I have no idea why. Even she brought up the idea of him staying and paying bills. When I brought it up later, she pretty much went crazy. She was mad at him for using her phone after he asked to use it to activate HIS phone. He even asked "Do you have a limit on minutes or anything?" She replied that it was "Fine, my mother pays the bill!" She later looked at it and it said 20 minutes or so. She told me she was really angry at that. She doesn't even know why she was angry. She's being really irrational and even she has admitted that she shouldn't have been angry. Then she got angry at him when he went out with MY keys to check the mail. What the hell? She said something about being too comfortable living here. Well, he sleeps here, he showers here, he cleans here, he eats here, and I told him to make yourself at home. Even she did. UGH. I'm not signing another lease with her. This is bullshit. I'm planning on getting her OFF the lease for next year and then me and Adam can live here, with him and I on the lease. Sometimes I really feel the people around here are really, really, really, different from anything I've ever encountered. I'm 4 hours away and it's like I'm in a foreign country. Sometimes I feel so weird here. The connections people have with one another are so cliche and it's almost as if no one cares about eachother. Could this be evident in the fact that these kids go downtown and fall in the river? We had one just this weekend I believe. He fell off the bridge. And drowned. He was from Milwaukee. It just seems that people here don't care about anyone else. Why would you let your drunk friend go off on his/her own? Are you too drunk to even notice how drunk your friends are? These people are your friends. You should care about them. I have been drunk many times downtown. I take care of the people I'm with. Even if they wouldn't take care of me. Why do I even bother sometimes? I have no idea. Guess I just care too much. But that is all for now. It's time to get dressed for work. 5:15 to close..blah. Lame shift, but oh well. I'm getting like 42 hours this week..so I can't complain :) |
||||
| Read 1 - Post | ||||
cranky| 01:00am 02/03/2007 | ||||
Not much has been going on lately. I should write in here even if there isn't much going on. I mean, it can't hurt! I should develop my writing skills. One day it might be useful in my autobiography! Yes! So ya, I've gotten kind of..sad lately. Guess it's just more of a "downtime" for a few days. It's weird because it's a different kind of sad. One of my bosses was teasing me and asked me if I liked this one coworker. This coworker is a ok guy and I guess he's kind of cute, but I don't have a crush on him or anything. Then I realized something..I don't really have a crush on anyone. Is that weird? I mean, I kind of like this guy from back home, but not like I'm gonna jump him the next time I see him. Is it just me or am I not into any of the guys in Wisconsin?! There's a few cute guys in my classes but it's not like I want to go out with them. Maybe that's not what is really bothering me, though. Is it maybe that no one likes me? Maybe I'm lonely? I don't really know. I don't feel lonely or anything, but it's weird. I think I'm just losing my mind, and I'll probably be fine after tomorrow night! I probably should get to bed since I have to shovel in the morning. I also have to find some names of possible bacteria to isolate. Arg, my head hurts now. I'll leave a pic of the crazy snow we had. This was taken on Saturday before they "plowed" the lots. My truck is the red one waaay down there.  |
||||
| Read 1 - Post | ||||
listless| So that pain in my leg... | ||||
| 05:34pm 16/10/2006 | ||||
So I have to inject my stomach fat with some Lovenox twice a day. It's hard to do because it just sucks. But I get my own biohazard container! Too bad I can't keep it, hahahha. I'm also on the rat poison, Warfarin. Oh fun stuff, I know. I could be on the Warfarin for 6 months, while the injections of Lovenox only last until Wednesday (thank God!). Because of the blood thinners, I bruise easily and my stomach looks like I got beat up or poked too much from the needles! Hopefully they will go away soon, because they sometimes hurt and I'm tired of being in pain! But my leg is getting better by the day. Hopefully by the end of the week I'll be in tip-top shape again for walking! Oh it would be so nice. I'm not really sure what else to say..I should get to class because I don't want to be late! |
||||
| Read 3 - Post | ||||
cold| The weekend! | ||||
| 05:54pm 09/10/2006 | ||||
After walking out, sirens start going off down the street. The bar right next to Legends had an incident with a girl falling and hitting her head. One of her friends was freaking out to the cop and trying to tell him that her friend was ok. Not cool. Finally her friends pulled her away so that the paramedics could get in and help the poor girl. She was carried away on a stretcher. I hope she was ok. I hope I never get that drunk where I wouldn't want to help my friend. I know she meant well, but it wasn't cool and she would've felt worse if her friend didn't get help and was seriously hurt. So we met back up with those guys but they didn't buy us drinks, so that was definitely a point reduction there. Fags. I was drunk enough to give Al my number when he dropped me off at the dorm. Dee dee dee. He ended up calling me on Saturday night when I was roaming. Figures. I was with my parents and Pat and of course they were like "Who was that?" I just told them it was a dude from school. I also added that he was gay, but they probably didn't believe that. I guess I'll call him back sometime but I'm not really sure what to say. So ya, the next afternoon, I drove out to Adams to spend time with my parents and half-bro, Pat. We went to Moosejaw Lodge in the Dells. I got to drive the new Explorer there and my dad was afraid the whole way there. I was fine, of course and I got us there in one piece, but apparently it was scary. He was worse when my mom drove it back. They had good pizza and beer there, so it was fun. It's a real cool looking place, too. Very cabin/north woods feel. It's even a microbrewery so it was cool to taste their beer. The next morning we went out on the lake. It was the first time I've been on the boat, so it was a lot of fun. I caught a lot of fish, illegally since I didn't get a license, but I couldn't help it! They were really biting. I even drove the boat back to the landing. The bad thing: I got wind and sunburned. My forehead and nose are red along with the base of my neck. Stupid sun! Oh well, it will fade in a few days. Oh ya, of course my scalp got it, too. :( Got back to the cabin, showered, saw Pat and my Mom off (my dad leaves today, Monday), and then me and my dad got some chinese food. They may be the only Chinese family in Adams, but thank goodness they make chinese food! It was yummy and I brought back a bunch of leftovers. I also brought back some of Pat's homebrew beer! Yay for fermentation! I left after finishing Indiana Jones: Raiders of the Lost Ark. It was already after 8:30 so I was hoping to get back to the dorms by 10 or so. Just after leaving, I saw 4 deer on the side street, so I was kind of scared about them running around since it's deer season! We even heard mating calls when we were having a campfire on saturday night. So ya, they were out there. Luckily, that was the only 4 I saw and the rest of the drive was ok. But I was careful and going the speed limit. So I got back in La Crosse a little after 10, which wasn't that bad. I'm so tired today, though. I would love to sleep but I don't want to take a 2 hour nap. My leg is hurting really bad so I'm thinking about just taking some excedrin and the caffiene will help me stay awake. I think I got a bad cramp in it last night when I was sleeping. Or something like that. Because I have no idea. But I feel like an idiot limping around. It only really started hurting after Photo. Maybe it was the way I was sitting? I didn't think it was that weird, but whatever. I think this entry is long enough. Time for some leftovers! |
||||
| Post | ||||
sore| Happy birthday to me! | ||||
| 11:35am 29/09/2006 | ||||
So the best present I got for my birthday is relief. It was the night after and Rich and I had a long talk. Mostly me crying and being upset. But it's good. We're going back to being friends. He doesn't feel the same about me anymore. I think he decided part of that from just me being upset, but the distance put a large strain on our relationship. It wouldn't have been so bad if he didn't make me feel so ignored, but his other priorities prevented him from calling me or returning my calls or even returning a text message. But most of it was forgetfulness. When you have a steady relationship with a certain plant, it seems to ruin your memory. I felt second for most of the relationship and someone like me just doesn't go for this. I seriously think he should seek some help because he doesn't seem to be getting any better. Run away, keep running and maybe the problems will disappear! But in all honesty, I don't date stoners. All they do is lie. He lied to Kat yesterday when she asked if he called me for my birthday. He lied to me about smoking everyday. He lied to me about going to school. He lies to his mom about everything. He lies to people at work. Sorry, but there is no trust there. I won't sacrifice my standards. They are there for a reason. I'm just happy we can remain friends. I probably won't see him this weekend, but I don't really feel like making an appearance at work anyways. I was upset about this at first and I didn't want to do it over the phone. I was planning on having the talk with him on Saturday and probably just breaking it off then. I wanted to wait until the weekend, but it's better this way. More time to do more productive things! |
||||
| Read 2 - Post | ||||
grateful| 08:25pm 26/09/2006 | ||||
Ya, my birthday is in 3.5 hours and yes, I'll be 21, and yes, that is exciting. But now I feel old. Guess I better see Rich soon so he can make me feel young again. Ya, that's why I keep him around. Ok, that's mean and I'm only kidding. I hope my CD's came! I got some Ayu CDs from eBay and it's been about 2 weeks, so hopefully they are at home waiting for me. Ya, I'm going home this weekend. I'm glad I am since I need my birth certificate and work shoes. I also need some other stuff but I don't think I'll be taking anything back home yet. I didn't take all my pics today and that's bad. I really need to get it done. But I'm pretty sure I'll have time before lab tomorrow. I got 2 hours, so that should be enough time. I don't care if it's raining, I'm still going out. Atleast I got some done already. It's kind of hard getting back into it, but I'm sure I'll be back in my normal swing of things after this roll. Gotta practice! Well, I should probably do some reading. I have some calls to make at 9, so I gotta make time! |
||||
| Read 2 - Post | ||||
mellow| Yep yep | ||||
| 11:57pm 12/09/2006 | ||||
So to the one who will never read this: Like it wasn't obvious. Just feel lucky. Anj does. Why can't you? |
||||
| Post | ||||
disappointed| 09:34am 07/09/2006 | ||||
When my boyfriend gets arrested for the things he does, there is no way I'm going to bail him out. Hell, he probably wouldn't even tell me about it. So I guess I wouldn't even know. It's just a phase, right? One that has lasted 2 months now. See, I wouldn't think much of it if it wasn't an everyday kind of thing. But I guess it doesn't matter. Ya, guess I'm a little frustrated these days. But there is really nothing I can do. I will focus on my school work and not the petty problems of others. I don't have time or energy to be wasted on something that I don't receive any feedback from. I guess it could worse. I could have realized this the week before finals. It could have been a lot worse.. |
||||
| Post | ||||
| 12:02am 05/09/2006 | ||||
|
||||
| Post | ||||
jealous| Yaaaaarrrr | ||||
| 10:44pm 03/09/2006 | ||||
So I called the dingle berry to wish him happy birthday. I'm a little sad he didn't call me, but oh well. I'll deal. I guess he was out really late last night. On the east side of Elgin, no less. Whatever. I don't know what to do with him sometimes. I wonder if he really misses me. Why can't I be confident in a relationship? Oh right, when the last relationships I've had, there was the constant reminder of their feelings. But I have to have one where it's not like that. Damn us Libras, we just need to be loved. lol. I'll deal. Hopefully with no heartbreaks, right? Harharhar. I dunno what else to say. Blah blah blah, I'll quit ranting. Guess I got nothing else interesting to say. I better find something else to do! |
||||
| Post | ||||
frustrated| Ah! | ||||
| 02:34pm 03/09/2006 | ||||
So I miss Rich and my friends a lot. Today is Rich's birthday and I can't be there with him to celebrate it. Even though I might find his way of celebrating a little unorthodox to my own ways of celebrating, I still would've been there for him. Tonya is going to have her baby soon, which is awesome. Hopefully he will be a Libra like me and Tonya. Not a Virgo like Rich. Hahahaha. I'm so mean. There isn't much else to say right now. Gonna go see a movie tonight and have some dindin with Becky. Talk about the summer and stuff. Perhaps I'll write more later. But knowing me, I'll forget or think I have nothing really important to say. Hahaha. Adios. |
||||
| Post | ||||
| 08:15am 18/07/2006 | ||||
Last night there was a crazy thunderstorm. So much lightning! Bethany, Anj, and I went to Baker's Square after work and the lights went out! It was cool. Anj was saying how I kind of act two faced or something, or I censor myself for Bethany, so I guess I just tried to be myself. But I always thought I was myself. I am confused. Anj is weird. So when I got home, my lights were out, everything on the east side of the Fox River was pretty much pitch black. It was a little creepy. Guided by my cell phone, I managed to go downstairs and get the lantern. I couldn't sleep at all. I was worried about too many things. Ya, I know, it's kind of silly. Then I realized I was PMSing and now it all makes sense. At 2 in the morning I was so angry and I cried a little, too. I guess I hate feeling helpless in my friends' lives. I mean, I want to help as much as I can, but there is only so much I can do. I was tempted to go and lift weights because I felt a bout of rage coming on. But I decided to try and keep sleeping. It felt like I layed there forever... So I woke up at 4:25 and the power was back on! Then at 4:28 it was off! Then it came back on and turned right off. It was being very annoying. I wonder if that woke me up.. So I heard someone upstairs and I decided to go up there and make conversation. It was my mom, she thought it was way later because when the power came back on, her alarm was going off. I tried to explain to her it was earlier than 6 but she didn't catch on. She really needs her coffee in the morning. So we had a good talk about the night before and about just random things with storms and how I was up with probably less than 2 hours of sleep. Finally the power comes back and has been on since. Yay! I love electricity. I am going to Wisconsin on Sunday for a nice vacation. But before I do that, I really want the AC in my truck fixed. Yesterday, I picked up Rich from work because his car is getting a tune up and we were pretty much melting in my truck. Today is going to be nicer, so he better not complain. But maybe I will get the AC done before I pick him up. Not sure. I have to get some other things done to my car and my dad is like "It's gonna be like $500!" So I guess I better bring the platinum plastic, right? Oh the joys of owning a vehicle. But I think all I need is the radiator flushed, the AC recharged, and the rear differential fluid replaced. Is that really gonna be $500? It just doesn't seem like a lot, ya know? I guess it just adds up. But then I think they said I need a new sway bar and that is gonna be costly, it's over $200 for the bar alone! I just have to be careful on turns and stuff. And watch out for tire wear. Because it has to do with transferring weight, too. I'm sure it's ok, though. It drives great! Just warm..har har har. Well, I guess that's all I have to say for now..peace! |
||||
| Post | ||||
crazy| 04:06pm 22/06/2006 | ||||
I don't know what else to say right now...Oh, I didn't get a raise. How cool am I? I worked my ass off for 3 weeks during training. Sure, that was 3 weeks of $2 more for training. I guess I get paid more than all the other shift leaders so they are going to let them catch up. That's not cool, though. Oh well. Maybe I won't be working there for the winter break. My parents want to go to Arizona. Oh dear. Atleast I'll be 21 and can go to clubs in Phoenix! Sweet. Ok, maybe I'll go. I should get ready for work. Maybe I should be early. Ya, I'll suprise everyone if I'm early. Eh, I'll get there when I get there...later! |
||||
| Post | ||||
indifferent| Blah, just one of those days... | ||||
| 04:25pm 21/06/2006 | ||||
It was pathetic, I almost cried because my mom was so angry about the house and how horrible it was. Her ungreatfulness that we have a damn house upset me. There are people out there that have nothing. They have a cardboard shack or a dumpster for a home. We may not have the biggest house, but we have one. I am greatful we have a house. I will never take that for granted. I don't have time to say anything else now. I don't know what else I was going to say anyways. Hopefully Kat and I can be crazy at work tonight so I will feel better. |
||||
| Post | ||||
blah| 03:14pm 20/06/2006 | ||||
I got home from school on the 12th of May. It was a good night. Kevin gets a flat tire and I heard a lot of info and events that I missed while I was gone. On the 22nd of May, I started working at the Yorkville Culver's for training. That lasted until the 11th of June. Rich, Kevin, and me hung out way too much down there. We were out late about every night. I miss the crew that we trained, too. I get to see them a few times a week when me and Rich go and visit. That is basically the big stuff. Little details include me getting a truck, playing Guitar Hero way too much, getting intoxicated with my coworkers, sleeping too much, going to the Gyno, and staying up too late. I guess that is all for now. I will post more now, I promise! |
||||
| Read 2 - Post | ||||
calm|
andariel |
||
|
Friends Info Calendar |
||
| skip | ||
| Backward | ||